New Reviews
Updated January 30th, 2012
Grave Encounters (2011)- This is one where I found myself near the beginning thinking ‘I liked it better when it was called ‘The House on Haunted Hill ‘remake’, a little later I found myself thinking ‘I liked it better when it was called ‘The Blair Witch Project’’. Yeah it is obviously fairly derivative, and the sad thing is it didn’t have to be. I like these POV ‘found footage’ flicks usually and this one has a great premise. A TV show called Grave Encounters goes to supposed haunted places and tries to find evidence, and with so many of those shows littering cable right now the timing seems ripe. They are filming their 6th episode and haven’t had much luck running into any real hauntings and are becoming pretty cynical. So they lock themselves into an old empty insane asylum and film away, faking things as needed, until some unexplainable things begin to happen and it slowly becomes obvious there may be no escape. There are some obvious flaws, like the aforementioned unoriginality, but also things that jarred me out of my ‘suspension of belief’ of approaching this as ‘found footage’ At the beginning we are told the footage has only been edited for time, but then things that, had it been edited for time, wouldn’t have been included (but needed to be for the movie to flow) are shown. Then some short flashback footage showing the asylum in the 30s is used and done very poorly, again breaking the ‘suspension of belief’ aspect. And finally some of the acting isn’t too great at times and it seems even when the slightest ‘paranormal’ things begin to occur the whole crew goes kind of nuts. Isn’t that why they are there? If they can’t handle a bump, a knocked over gurney, or someone’s hair being pulled then they really are doomed! Bottom line, it was OK despite the weaknesses, I just wish they could’ve been a little more original and maybe refrained from taking it over the top as they did. I’ll give it a middle C, leaning towards a C+.
It Came From Outer Space (1953)- Yes, It did. A meteor races across the desert sky and is witnessed by an amateur astronomer and his girlfriend. They go to investigate and he swears he saw a crashed ship, not a meteor, in the crater, but a landslide makes confirming his suspicion impossible and he becomes the butt of local jokes. But when some locals start acting weird, the sheriff realizes something may in fact be amiss. Although pretty weak overall this does have some strong positives. It really doesn’t follow the 50s sci-fi formula done to death by so many of those clones. The ‘law’ is often wrong, and verging on out of control, conformists are NOT rewarded (our hero is kind of an outcast geek who the sheriff believes doesn’t deserve the girlfriend he has), and the aliens in fact are not executing a poorly planned invasion. I hope that isn’t giving too much away. Anyway, a pretty good 50s sci-fi flick, which you will HATE if you hate those, but should like if you can appreciate them. I’ll give it a B on the regular scale because I’m feeling generous today and it was different enough from most of its era/genre to get a reward.
Wasp Woman, The (1959)- Oftentimes the lust after the fountain of youth can become… horrific! Not a real tagline but fitting as the owner of a cosmetics firm begins to look her age her customer base begins to disappear. Who wants to buy cosmetics from an old lady? So she begins experimenting with jelly from a wasp courtesy an almost mad scientist. As the scientist uncovers some unfortunate side effects he is knocked unconscious in a car accident and the cosmetics CEO ramps up her treatments until, well, you can figure out the rest. Pretty typical 50s Corman material, but if you love them that way then you’ll agree it gets a B+ on the craptacular scale.
Demons of the Mind (1972)- Over-the-top Hammer production about a family that is believed to be cursed. A man decides he must marry a ‘peasant’ in order to make sure and end the curse. His plan backfires as his wife kills herself in front of their two kids, so he must now protect his two kids by locking them in the attic. Is he insane? Is the family insane? Is it from so much in-breeding? Are they possessed? Yeah the father is nuts but he wants to cure his kids via leeches and quack psychology, and what’s up with the villagers? This is a weird one, it does manage some good mood and atmosphere, but over acting and general strangeness doom it in my opinion (the nutty priest, the weird locals and their traditions, the ending all just make no sense with regards to the plot unless I guess you go the possession route). Anyway, I love Hammer, and I didn’t hate this, but didn’t much care for it so I’ll give it a weak C-.
Alligator People, The (1959)- A scientist figures out he can cure severely injured patients by giving them alligator DNA as some reptiles have regenerative abilities. The cure works great until patients begin showing signs of actually becoming alligators. The wrap around story is about a nurse who marries an Air Force officer who survived a horrific plane crash, how do you think he managed to survive? Pretty insane 50s stuff right here, but if you like the monster madness you’ll like this low budget (are there any other kind) entry. I’ll give it a B on the craptacular scale, or maybe even a B+ when factoring a drunken Lon Chaney Jr’s drunken part!
Valley of the Zombies (1946)- Another movie title guilty of hyperbole. This is a short about a guy who got into voodoo hoping to stay young forever. He dies, but then comes back to life and needs blood to survive. Over-the-top stage acting and horribly dated ‘jokes’ follow as a young doctor is accused of murder and must clear his good name. As I’ve said before, I am often forgiving of older flicks, but not this time. F.
Flight to Mars (1951)- more 50s sci-fi at its best. To be fair this one isn’t quite ‘so bad it’s great’, but it’s close. A rocket is built and sent to Mars, in what really feels like a totally haphazard way. The astronauts are kind of picked at the last minute for weird reasons and when they arrive they are greeted by a great Martian civilization that apparently discovered the mini-skirt prior to earthlings. Subterfuge ensues and we’re not sure who to trust, well, actually we’re pretty sure and the end is a rock’em sock’em smash up of low budget detail. A on the craptacular scale.
Hideous Sun Demon, The (1959)- If man is exposed to new radioactive isotopes and then exposed to sunlight will he devolve back to some sort of lizard? According to this movie, yes. He will also be all bummed and avoid people too, hanging out in bars and picking up lounge singers (being hung-over was probably why he got exposed to begin with). Anyway, he kills someone and realizes he liked it and it’s all downhill from there. This is pretty craptacular, but it is also annoyingly slow and pretty depressing actually. Screw that guy man, he deserved what he got and then refused to listen to anyone on top of that! If you like bad 50s sci-fi give it a look, I love 50s sci-fi but more or less hated this so I’m just going to flunk it.
Fiend Without a Face (1958)- Yeah, on the surface it seems like another goofy 50s sci-fi flick, but actually, all things considered, this one was pretty far ahead of its time. Deaths begin piling up around a military base that is using nuclear power to drive its new radar stations to monitor Soviet missile and military bases. Could it be the radiation, could it be a local scientist, could it be aliens? This flick is a little more ‘grey’ than most of this era; there really are no good guys or bad guys. Everyone is ‘sort of’ to blame in one way or another (either directly via involvement or indirectly via paranoia). In other words the tough guys are wrong sometimes, the women (woman) isn’t stupid and helpless, and the military doesn’t come off as some perfect spotless organization (although they’ll make sure everything is right by the end). Also, I guess this caused quite a stir when it was released because it didn’t hesitate to show folks being killed and also lots of blood splattering brains (albeit via some not so great Claymation and in black and white!). I’m going to give this one a pretty strong B+, give it a chance unless you absolutely hate 50s era sci-fi.
Giant Behemoth, The (1959)- Radiation leak, dead fishermen, giant prehistoric monster that sprays a radioactive fire kind of stuff, destroyed city, etc. Take The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and mix in Godzilla (which was itself influenced by The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms) and you have this very derivative flick; not a bad entry in the large lizard library just not overly original. Anyway, a fisherman dies from what must be radiation burns, evidence of a giant monster is found, the hunt is on, he makes land. You get the picture. C+.
Curse of the Swamp Creature, The (1966)- Let me see if I can explain this one. An oil man is staying in a small southern town waiting for a geologist to show up to look for oil in the swamp. While drinking at a bar the locals try and rip him off, he gets wise and they kill him. One of the locals then poses as the dead man’s wife so she can go into the swamps looking for oil with the geologist. All the while a mad scientist is trying to create some sort of manimal that can survive in the swamp more easily… or something like that. His experiments continue to fail and he continues to feed the alligators in his swimming pool/swamp but a local cult is putting a hex on him, I think. So finally at the very end pretty much everyone that deserves it, gets theirs, and the swamp creature shows up for a minute or two. This thing is a trainwreck if there ever was one. If I made a list of absolute worst movies this would be near the top (or would that be bottom?). Which is why it gets a B+ on the craptacular scale, yes, it is hilariously bad, the mismatching stock footage alone is worth a viewing, let alone the insane plot and terrible dialogue.
Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962)- Oh my! What’s not to love? Spaceship with oscilloscopes and VU meters for instruments; Chauvinist tough guy astronauts, Cyclops claymated dino-rat thing, stock footage from other moves, mind reading alien, Scandinavian hotties, amazing theme song. Yup, this one has it all and then some. A UN expedition to Uranus leads some astronauts into mayhem as an alien intelligence plans on taking over their bodies to get back to earth. He begins the process by creating sort of a little paradise for the astronauts, complete with women from their past and delicious apples (which is apparently all one of the guys dreams about). Oh and dangerous creatures, and, well, lots of other stuff that really makes no sense at all with regard to the alien’s plan. How they didn’t get sued by Ray Bradbury is kind of amazing as this is basically culled from a couple of his stories. It is just full of everything bad but good and a must see for the lovers of bad 50s sci-fi. A+ on the craptacular scale for the theme song alone!
Phantom from Space (1953)- This felt quite a bit older than it actually was, and that usually isn’t a good thing. The first 5 or 10 minutes are spent tracking a UFO along the west coast, the next 50 minutes are spent driving around in cars with GIANT antennae and chasing a ‘phantom’ around. Said phantom wears a very dated looking space suit that is apparently impermeable and fire retardant. But it gets real interesting when he takes it off because he disappears all together. Why didn’t he just wear an invisible suit too? It makes no sense at all and leaves you wondering ‘who the hell thought this stuff up?’ Close to being craptacular but just too tedious, even at 70 minutes, so I’ll give it an F, although if you like the goofy 50s sci-fi it ‘might’ be worth a viewing for you just for the antennae cars and space suit.
Snow Creature, The (1954)- OK, right up front, this one is bad! And not really in a fun way but in a ‘Damn this is annoying’ way. A botanist puts together an expedition to study plants in the Himalayas but just before starting out their lead Sherpa’s wife is kidnapped by a Yeti. Of course no one believes the Sherpa so he has a mutiny and forces the expedition to search for the yeti. They find it, capture it, take it to the big city, where it escapes and walks forwards, then backwards, forwards, and then backwards for the rest of the movie. I guess a couple things sum it up, the Sherpa’s ‘accent’ basically amounts to referring to himself in the 1st person and when the botanist and cop search in the sewers for the yeti they are wearing suits. More annoying than craptacular I’ll just cut to the chase and give it an F.
Beast with A Million Eyes, The (1955)- Yeah, now this is what I’m talking about. Movies like this are why I invented the craptacular scale to begin with. So bad it’s GREAT! There’s a family, they live on some sort of ranch or orchard and they are pretty dysfunctional. The wife hates the husband and is jealous of the daughter who wants to leave, and a half-wit who really likes soft-core porn lives in the barn. Perfect set up! A UFO lands nearby and takes over the minds of the birds and animals, then of the half-wit, then begins working on everyone else, but what it didn’t take into account was love and man’s soul! Once again, aliens with piss-poor invasion plans under estimate mankind’s etc. This one is full on bad, with terrible dubbing, a hilarious plot, and basic total nonsense; although to be fair it may have been a slight influence on The Birds. If you like’em hilariously bad then I highly recommend this one, A+ on the craptacular scale!
Yongary, Monster from the Deep (1967)- Train wreck of an Asian giant monster movie. This time South Korea is under attack, first by some sort of mobile earthquake, then by Yongary, a giant monster who is awakened by said earthquake. Yongary proceeds to wreak some havoc, sleep, dance, etc. An annoying little kid likes Yongary and inadvertently helps kill him. I guess the best way to describe it is to just say ‘nothing to see here, move along’. For hardcore Kaiju fans only. D.
Gorgo (1961)- Deemed the British Godzilla, this flick is a treasure trove of giant monster clichés. Giant monster upsets local fishermen, scientists find giant monster and capture it for the circus, a kid warns them not to, giant monster’s even more giant mother shows up and destroys man made landmarks while trying to save her giant baby. This is a must see for giant rubber-suit monsters fans, and fans of Brit sci-fi from this era. It is, all things considered, very well done. B.
Panic in the Year Zero (1962)- I read quite a few fairly positive reviews on this one prior to watching it so I was expecting a good, although low budget, look at some realistic Cold War Nuclear paranoia. What I got was Ray Milan yelling at his nagging wife and whiny daughter after LA is hit with a nuclear attack. Luckily Frankie Avalon is his son and Frankie, while only semi-annoying, can still sling a shotgun with the best of them. Anyway Ray pretty much just yells at everyone and has a real short temper, he is after-all trying to keep his family alive (which he reminds us, and his family of several times), and doesn’t have time to worry about their concerns or explain his fantastic plans (like trying to drive back into LA, stopping at a diner for a sandwich, giving speeches about law and order while robbing a hardware store). Yeah, it is total anarchy, luckily, or maybe not so luckily really, the only real threats are some greaser hoods that only occasionally carry guns. We do find out that all out nuclear war really wouldn’t be so bad, just camp out in a cave a few days, avoid the greasers, and then everything will work itself out. I know this is low budget, I wasn’t expecting anything great, but it is just poorly executed and the stock footage is so far off from matching up with the ‘action’ that it is as distracting as Ray’s constant annoyance at his pesky family. Hey Ray, why bother even trying to keep them alive? Take the guns and head to ground zero for a real lootenanny. D.
Space Children (1958)- I went in hoping for some fantastic craptacular sci-fi, what I got was a really weird moody flick, even Gilligan’s Professor is in it and he is a raging abusive drunk who gets his alright. Anyway, the gist of the whole thing is that we should make sure and not blow up the world since it really belongs to our kids. And to drive that point home an alien brain like thing comes from space, hides in a cave, and tells the kids what to do via ESP. The kids in question live on a military base that is getting ready to launch kind of a preventative doomsday machine and the brain wants it stopped, I think. For being obvious 2nd feature material at just over an hour and a near zero budget this thing really isn’t that bad. Sure there are massive plots holes and logic only 50s sci-fi is allowed to have, but I actually think this might have been too good to put on the craptacular scale. The two main kids are just weird enough, and the parents just clueless enough to create a bit of atmosphere. Maybe I’ll give it a C- on the regular grading scale. Yeah, I admit, that is probably crazy generous, but I’m feeling sci-fi nice today.
Gog (1954)- Cold War intrigue and espionage all mixed up with a heavy dose of sci-fi. Someone is obviously sabotaging the experiments at a highly top secret underground installation. But who could it be? A Super ISS/CIA/Atomic Bomb Guard is brought in to find out. And for pretty much the rest of the movie we get to see him walk around and be introduced to the scientists and the utterly useless experiments they are working on. They are wasting MASSIVE amounts of government funding, but that really isn’t in the movie, that was just my own observation. A few more scientists die, some jets are scrambled, and things seem to work out, except I was never really sure what the hell was even going on. I do know the janitors have total access to everything in this top secret facility, and I also know that despite all kinds of magnetic jamming, auto-pilot flying technology someone, or something, has found the facility and has found a perfect way to actually take over the main computer which controls everything and make it do pretty much whatever they want. Apparently what they don’t want is to steal any technology and totally destroy the facility, in that order. In fairness this one was ahead of its time, it looks good, is interesting, and fun, but still, A- and the craptacular scale.
Pontypool (2008)- Do you love those gory blood feast zombie flicks; Disembowelment having gut-munching goodness? Do you like to argue about whether zombies should be fast or slow, or what would be the best weapon to carry, or exactly how a zombie creating virus would spread (or whether it would be a virus at all)? Well if you’re one of those folks you probably better stay away from this one! This entire movie takes place in a radio station as newly hired (from being freshly fired) shock jock tries to shake things up in the small Canadian town. A report comes in about a mob at the doctor’s office, and slowly but surely things go from unsure to bad to worse. But all we know (and see) is pretty much all the station workers know, and that is from people calling in and reports via the Internet and their ‘man in the field’. With the exception of some intense scenes near the end we don’t see any of what is going on in the streets, which is pretty much the way it would be in such a situation. But is it all a hoax in the vein of Welles’ “War of the Worlds”? Is the DJ actually going insane, or is something else afoot? Without giving too much away this movie takes a look at Memes, the cultural spread of ideas like a virus. It can get heavy, and some will see it as an attack on talk radio (I don’t see it so much as an attack on talk radio itself but more the ease at which people let other people do their thinking for them without even realizing it). So yeah, it explores some philosophical areas and the ending is bizarre to say the least as it explores the total breakdown of communication and the very meaning of our words. In other words (get it?), it gets like that so it ain’t for everybody that’s for sure. But if you like a little thought with your suspense (and that’s really what this amounts to) then check this out, but if you’re looking for bite-virus spreading walking dead stay away. I’ll give it an A.
Zontar: The Thing From Venus (1966)- Craptacular check list: Terrible dialogue? Check. Overacting? Check. Cardboard-like underacting? Check. Nonsensical plot? Check. Aliens with a terrible invasion plan? Check. Obvious use of stock footage? Check. Ill-fitting soundtrack? Check. Terrible effects? Check. Once again, mankind’s space efforts don’t seem to be working out too well. Could it be aliens from Venus wanting to invade earth, or stop our space-race, or something like that? Yes. And one scientist can communicate with them on his giant tube driven ‘set’. Or is that some progressive jazz he’s listening to? No it is Zontar from Venus. He wants to befriend mankind, if he exists, or maybe he wants to enslave mankind for some reason. Why is he alone? And why is his invasion plan so poorly planned and executed. Shouldn’t he have made more of those control things prior to the invasion? These and many many more questions may never be answered. A+ on the craptacular scale.
Equinox (1970)- Tough one to grade, it was student film (so it may have actually gotten a real grade) that Criterion did their treatment to. It is chock full of goofy dialogue and “Hey let’s explore that cave and hang around these woods despite all the signs we should really just leave” kind of disjointed horror movie logic. The acting is painful at times and the dialogue and dubbing verge on hilarious. But it tends to rise above those things (keeping in mind the budget etc) at times with an interesting plot which would be fairly closely mirrored in Raimi’s first ‘Evil Dead’, pretty good Claymation monsters (I’m not saying the FX are good, but more than passable considering), and a nice wrap around ending. The plot follows a college student who gets a weird call from one of his professors. He wants to head out to the professor’s cabin in the woods to find out what is up, but his friend wants to go on a double date/picnic so they kill two birds with one stone and head out to picnic after checking in on the professor. What they actually find is the professor’s cabin demolished and a weird old guy who has a book full of spells and incantations. The book is apparently in demand too. If you like to check out the cheap goofy horror flicks, student projects, or are curious about the plot since you like ‘Evil Dead’ (I’m not saying this is much like ‘Evil Dead’, just a similar plot), then be brave, check it out. I’m not sure what to grade it to be honest, it seems almost unfair to put it on the craptacular scale, but it would also be unfair to good movies to NOT put it there, so I will give it an A+ on the craptacular scale.
Cape Canaveral Monsters (1960)- Pretty much just garbage, but I like garbage so what the Hell. Aliens are none too happy with humans’ advancements in the space program (of course) so they set out to sabotage our efforts, but they try and do it so we won’t notice it is sabotage for some reason. They have lots of great technology that doesn’t seem to work too well, and can readily move about in kind of an energy/light form but even that doesn’t seem to really do them much good in the end, as it never does in these movies since humans’ ambition, love, or whatever the lesson is will always prevail, even though ambition is often what gets us in trouble, but we’ll learn our lesson, until the next invasion, etc. This one is fun, and short enough to not get tedious, almost a must see for lovers of 50s craptacular fun. An A on that scale.
Monster That Challenged the World, The (1957)- That name is pretty much the definition of hyperbole. An accurate title would be “The Monsters That Killed 5 or 6 People and Were Then Blown Up in a Pond”. But that would maybe give too much away; I hope I didn’t ruin anything for you. This one follows the formula to a T: Monster kills sailors. Odd evidence is found. Researchers witness the monster. Monster kills civilians. Researchers figure out what monster is. Researchers share old school film of what the monster is. A plan to capture the monster(s) is hatched. It goes slightly awry. Plan is tweaked. Plan works. Someone messed up back at the lab and there is one more monster. That monster is killed. Throughout the whole thing the commander might be falling in love with a secretary. A- on the craptacular scale.
Zombie Apocalypse (2011)- I generally hate Scy-Fy original movies. They try too hard to be dumb, and in my opinion succeed at being really dumb. But I figured one about zombies might be worth watching. So was it? Not really. Several months after a virus causes the dead to want to eat the living, society is breaking down and some survivors trek across the country to find safe haven on Catalina Island. It kind of plays out like a typical video game, each survivor has a different weapon, different strengths, etc. They walk, fight, walk, fight, and talk occasionally. The effects are bad, with really bad looking digital blood splatters (I would think buying a case of corn syrup and food coloring would be cheaper, and would look better). How is it blood is splattered everywhere but no one has any on their clothes, or even on their weapons? Things like that pop out everywhere and after a while it gets tedious making fun of it. Then the zombie dog shows up, and I won’t even get into the ending. Yeah, the Scy-Fy originals love to take things over the top; subtly is not in their vocabulary, and I realize it’s not supposed to be. There’s an audience for it, I’m just not in that audience I guess. This is good for goofy fun but I didn’t dig it too much, even on that level. D.